Its me again. Sorry its been long but dont have access to the internet. Anyway info of me. It seem that my ex-boyfriend broken up with me and I havent been my self ever since. I feel like shit for the last few month's. And i know im going to kill my self. Not in the way ppl think ether. I lost m y faith in relationships now. After dating around it only feel worse. It seem guys want me for my body and nothing else. I dont like it. But I cant change it ether. I discided that a relationship with guys are a lost. That doesnt mean im going be straight ether. Its just my ideals will change. I will only have friend ships with somewhat benifits. I cant really make this concreat since chage is constant. But I do know that Ill wont be my self. Every one that I know is gone. Im only left with only a few somewhat friends which I really dont want to contact. I want to move out of my parents house but need to get a car first which will only take me only less then three months. After that Ill start looking for a second job. I really hate my current job. But i wont leave it untill Ill find another job that ill like. So thats going to take a while. but yeah im not my self right now and I guess I lost my self. I still love Travis but I also have to let go. Its still hard but kinda cant go it as well I wish to. I cant really do it as fast as he hope. I still wish to spend time with him but its ether something always come up or he doesnt want to. I fucking lost my hope. I have to change for ether the better or the worse now. I have to lose who I was to become what I can to live. I know I wont really be happy or wish to be happy as i was. The man I love left me and the other I cared so much about dead in a car crash. I did have other short relationships but they only lasted for a short periods of time. I really dont know what to think about stat. in that perpective. I do know is ill look for that second job for a year or two then go to college for a few two or three years then i dont know what to do from then. I hope that Travis goes on his trip around the US but it looks that his lossing sight. I know my thoughts arnt making sence only to me so ill leave this like this for now.